Monday, 13 October 2008

Drop the dead hamster

I might retire from the news industry after today delivering the immortal line: "Drop the dead hamster!"

My Monday morning arranged itself into a pear-shaped configuration at 9.05am when I got a call from Harry the hamster's people.

Harry was no ordinary hamster; he was a devil-may-care, daring, dashing rodent who should rightly have borne the moniker "Houdini the hamster".

"Why", you ask?

Well my dears, because Harry escaped his happy cage, romped down two flights of stairs, dodged oncoming traffic to cross a main road, and shimmied into No.47 Sea View Drive, to terrify the life out its slumbering owner, Mrs Smith.

Much screaming ensued from Mrs Smith, but fortunately Mr Smith was made of sterner stuff and, with a cool head, was able to catch Harry and later reunite him with his family, the Peters.

Miraculous!! Hold the front page! Or page 12.

Dutifully I spoke to the family, and they agreed to an exclusive photoshoot at 9.15am on Monday morning.

"And how is Harry now?" I enquired on Friday.
"He's very tired, in fact I think he might not be well," said Mrs Peter.
"Dear me, will he make it to Monday - or should we get round sharpish?" I asked, ever sensitive to the family's feelings.
"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Monday will be fine," was Mrs Peter's reply.

Come Monday morning and with the photographer dispatched in pursuit of a Pulitzer Prize winning piece of photojournalism, my mobile rang.

"What's that Mrs Peter - Harry's dead?!"
[In the background I hear the doorbell ring, and realise that this signifies the arrival of my man in the field. I begin plotting ways to escape the office before his return.]

I dedicate this post to Harry, R.I.P.


Old Reprobate said...

Brilliant, brilliant... so glad to hear that F****y S***r wasn't [allegedly] involved and isn't it a far better story than "Porno photographer church warden bit my bum at 'fancy dress party to raise funds for local wildlife reserve', says distraught WI secretary."? Night, night. X

xxNapoleon Solo said...

Just retire now - life isn't going to get any better than that.

In fact, the only way you'll get to use that phrase again is if you were writing a story about a Hollywood actor who was in An Officer and a Gentleman, (ahem) .... allegedly.

Lalalaura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lalalaura said...

You both make pertinent points - there's a media studies thesis in: "The Hamster: The news industry's most controversial mammal"