Pitbull Palin and the Lipstick Lesbians

Surely this is the cat fight to end all cat fights?

In the red corner we've got gun totin' Republican Sarah Palin squaring up to the dyke Democrat tag team of Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson.

That's right, first Lindsay goes gay, next she's grown a political conscious - and she's telling the world about it on myspace.

I'll let Lindsay and Sam explain their beef with Palin in their own words:
Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?
I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be...
Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?

Overlooking the hypocrisy of an actress who is spouting off about politics criticising a politician who wants to be a TV celebrity, it seems to me that if Obama isn't sunk by his "lipstick on a pig" remark then Lindsay's show of support could be the campaign kiss of death instead.

To be fair, it does get funnier, although not intentionally:
Oh, and...Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!

But I do have a grudging respect for the writer who is able to find anything quote-worthy amongst the utterings of Pammy:
And in the words of Pamela Anderson, "She can suck it"..

..and skin it, and turn it into a pair of sledding mittens - careful there girls - Palin doesn't take prisoners.

Or does she?

All we hear about her is how she was raised by huskies, can spit 20 miles and will shoot your pets if you don't vote for her.

Only, she's number two on the ticket - and to my mind that doesn't square with her self-styled "Lara Croft storms the White House" image.

If she was so goddam go-getting why didn't she go get herself her own ticket, and stop letting some old bloke ride towards a credible shot at office on the back of her political momentum?

Frankly, Sam and Lindsay know more about more girl power.

Vote Obama.

Separated at birth

Has anyone ever seen Man United's Dimitar Berbatov and Sesame Street's Count Von Count in the same room together?

I only ask because I can't shake the feeling that the pair were separated at birth - see slide show.

It's not just those eye brows, receding hairline, swarthy complexion and penchant for a dark cape that the two share: I imagine that Mr Berbatov became pretty good at counting - the goals and the cash - when his premiership star status went stellar.

I wonder if he sings the songs, too?

Then again, when was football not about counting? For Mike Ashley right now it must be count, count, count: Number of Toon army members, anti-Ashley protest marches, managers likely to come and go, players looking to leave, bids to buy club (sadly for Ashley probably a significantly smaller figure than rest), and column inches written about the whole debacle.

In fact, the only thing he definitely isn't counting is his calorie intake.

Over at Man City I imagine there are many players in the squad whose counting skills can't comprehend the wealth their new Abu Dhabi owners have swept in with.

I wouldn't be surprised to hear that the first team has had to collectively take their shoes and socks off in an effort to work out how much they'll be getting paid by Sulaiman al-Fahim and friends.

Here in Liverpool, counting has been a very simple, satisfying pastime this weekend: Liverpool 2, Manchester United 1.

A premonition

Yesterday's blog post was clearly a moment of psychic clarity, for today Liverpool Echo columnist Joe Riley has also vented his spleen about the state of our stations.

http://tinyurl.com/69mgdc

Obviously, I was pleased to read the Echo heavyweight getting behind the broad message of my campaign to address the unsanitary and dangerous conditions in our underground - but where were the pigeons?

Not a tweet from Riley on the fundamental cause of it all.

Maybe it's time to lobby for "Red Ken - Mayor of Liverpool" - he's clearly the only man with a plan on this issue.

Liver birds

Forget the congestion charge, Red Ken's legacy to London is the falcon in Trafalgar Square.

I lived in London for five years, I worked in Leicester Square, and walked through Trafalgar Square each day - I have endured pigeon horrors innumerable.

But none like the life endangering run in I had with a bat-out-of-hell pigeon that dived bombed down an escalator at Moorfields today.

For those that don't know Liverpool, Moorfields is a bit like Kings Cross in that it connects everything, including the Northern line to the Wirral line by a steep, long, underground, enclosed escalator. That a big fat pigeon lives in.

It zoomed down, clipped my head, then sat stupidly at the bottom thinking about other ways freak me out. Flying straight at me did the trick - I screamed, dropped my paper and almost full down the escalator.

Fast forward four hours and I'm at James Street having a nice chat with the Merseyrail man about the pigeon problem - and more importantly what they plan to do about it.

Nothing is what they plan to about it - apparently, "you're alright if they don't hit you in the face".

It's time for the Echo to start calling for falcons in the city - if it's good enough for the capital, then it's good enough for the capital of culture, I say.

Solid gold

Could 19 gold medals have been 20 if Dwain Chambers had been selected to compete in Beijing?

At the time of the ruling I wondered if the British Olympic Association (BOA) had made the right decision: Chambers had said sorry, expressed remorse, and then let his legs do the talking out on the track.

And they spoke volumes - he qualified fair and square and proved himself the fastest 100m sprinter the UK could pit against Usain Bolt.

I felt sorry for him - it seemed a big price to pay for a mistake back in 2003.

But what would it have mattered? Bolt would have beaten Chambers any day of the week and the BOA deserves credit for standing up to Chambers.

The only thing that could take the shine off what we saw in China is a drugs scandal.

Not that I'm suggesting Chambers isn't clean, quite the contrary, he'd be mad not to be after his high profile battle with the BOA.

The scandal would have been Chambers legal victory over the BOA, had he been allowed to run.

So soon after Max Moseley - another case in which the facts of the complainant's unsavoury behaviour were not disputed, but the letter of the law was used to reward a orgy-indulging married man - it is refreshing to see a judge make the right decision.

The "resort to court" culture that is now part of our national psyche is wrong and it's damaging.

Sometimes people make mistakes that they have to live with forever - there's no court appeal option for them because that's just the way it is - but a litigious society encourages us to forget that.

Dwain needs to grow up and accept he should give up the day job.

Team GB are better off with 19 honest medals than 20 hypocritical ones.

Ronson replies

So, I dropped Mr Ronson a quick email via his website suggesting Joyce McKinney as subject matter for his next documentary, and lo! A reply:

"I agree she would be fascinating! I'm in the process of seeing what I can do."

Do you think that entitles me to royalties?

(N.B. Ronson is a kind of cooler, edgier heir to Louis Theroux's brand of oddball investigative journalism. His book Them will give you the idea. And yes, I did consider asking for a job.)

Seal scandal!

Thanks must go to Captain Mac for his erudite analysis of Ms McKinney's behaviour:

Manacled mormons, prosthetic ponies, cloned canines - does all this mad chick's craziness have to involve alliteration?
If so then should we be looking out for bagged budgies, zapped zebras and indignant iguanas?
I think we should be told - get on it Laura!!

In response to this call to arms, I want to assure readers that I am, indeed, "on it" and currently following up a hot lead.

I can't reveal too much at this stage, but suffice it to say McKinney's movements cannot be accounted for during the West Kirby sandbank seal scaring scandal - a story brought to you by the Wirral News.
http://tinyurl.com/5mamfs

Another link that readers may find of interest, yes, it's prosthetics for ponies, a subsidiary company of Animal Rehab Centers of America: http://www.equineprosthetics.com/main.html

I am now awaiting with baited breath the announcement that one of my favourite Jewish journalists, Jon Ronson or Louis Theroux is making a documentary about McKinney. I have taken the liberty of suggesting this to Mr Ronson via email and will be sure to share his response.

Right, I think that's quite enough silliness for one night; only serious posts next week.